Relatively empty, though relatively amusing.

HYYA! THE KARATE RE-ENTRANCE OF AN INFAMOUS LAURENTIUS!

Sat, 27 Dec 2008 06:23:03 GMT

O internet, I greet thee with great and resounding joy! Behold, for I must menion a note or two to thine enshrined self!

I am like a maverick of never talking! But thou must admit, thou hast likely nary noticéd mine absence, and anyway you were busy! I will most likely continue on this hallowed and sacrosanct path of unpredictable entries and erratic commenting and reading without assing myself to type responses, and you, O best beloved internet, oh never shall you fear, for half of you may well be doing the same thing!

Thuslywise, I will carry on this noble tradition of lurking! For I am the bears that walk in the night! I am the cat of the internet, that passes by on silent printless steps!

I am Laurentius!

Wed, 09 May 2007 03:13:44 GMT

Posting as I write it. Will up to antishurtugal once I reach circa the half.

Eragon m15m

Flyover Above ~~Hungary~~ Alagagalgiesiaesia

IRONS/BROM: There was a time when the fierce and beautiful land of Alagaesia was ruled by men astride mighty dragons. To protect and serve was their mission, and the people prospered for no reason at all. But the riders grew arrogant, and began to fight among themselves for power. Good thing they did, or we wouldn’t have a plot. ...Well, not so good, then.

Anyway. Sensing their weakness, a young rider named (music swells, lightning cracks, dogs howl) Galbatorix betrayed them, and in a single bloody battle, believed he had killed them all. Note the clever evasive wording. Since then, our land has been ruled by John Malkovich in renfest castoffs. Blah blah Varden, blah blah hope, blah blah miracle. You will be tested on this later. Cutscene time.

A Frantic Chase In the Woods

BROM: And here we can see Arya smuggling stolen goods through the night. Cutscene time.

Galbatorix’s Crib

GALBATORIX: I suffer without my stone.

DURZA: You what?

GALBATORIX: I just do, okay? Do not prolong my suffering.

DURZA: Th-that’s kinda – oh! Wait, that stone. Haha, yeah. I’m – just going to pop across the world and get it now.

CUTSCENE: (happens)

Eragon’s Crib

ERAGON: (breaks curfew laws. Again.)

BROM: Blah blah special, blah blah never be the same again. Cutscene time.

Durza’s Face

ADVENTURE MUSIC: (loops)

DURZA: (hisses)

TWO ELVES: (die)

CUTSCENE: (happens)

Eragon’s Neck of the Woods

ABSOLUTLEY NOTHING: (happens)

Durza’s Neck of the Woods

DURZA: (reveals himself to be a Firebender.)

DURZA: Egg. Gimme. Now.

Arya: Bitchplz. (disappears egg.)

CUTSCENE: (happens)

Eragon’s Neck of the Woods

ERAGON: Oh shi-

CUTSCENE: This is getting pretty damn ridiculous, guys.

Durza’s Neck of the Woods

ARYA: Oh shi-

CUTSCENE: …

Eragon’s Neck of the Woods

ERAGON: It’s – a giant blue pill? Is this a hint?

Durza’s Neck of the Woods

ARYA: (writhes)

CUTSCENE: That one should be glaringly obvious.

Back in Carvahall

(The town is ramshackle and thatchy, people are getting impressed into the army, and the butcher’s shop is appropriately messy, even though this is a set. It’s almost like the director is taking this seriously.)

ERAGON: I give rock you give meat?

(Nevermind.)

SLOAN: You want to give me a shiny blue Viagrock stolen from the king in exchange for a couple pieces of beef?

ERAGON: Right!

SLOAN: You’re even worse than the kid in the book.

(Kid wanders outside and straight into …)

SOLDIERS: (poke at chickens with sword)

BROM: What do you say to three shillings and we forget the chickens?

SOLDIERS: (poke at Brom with sword)

BROM: I hope you choke on the little bones. Wait – wait, that’s the best retort I get? What about –

CUTSCENE: (happens)

Eragon’s Crib

RORAN: Dude, you kinda suck at hunting.

ERAGON: Dude, I’m kinda going to beat the shit out of you.

GARROW: Oh, the two of you get a room already.

(Several cutscenes happen)

RORAN: Eragon, I’m fucking off before I get recruited into a cause that might possibly not exist, and certainly has no reason for impressing more soldiers. I have no idea where I’m going to go, and will probably wander the wilderness for days before resorting to robbery and murder, in which case the soldiers will catch me and hang me as an outlaw.

ERAGON: Wh-

RORAN: Okay bye!

(Cutscene to Eragon staring Skywalkerly into a sunset.)

Eragon’s Room

VIAGROCK: (tangos)

ERAGON: Wha-

VIAGROCK: (jazz hands)

ERAGON: Ew.

VIAROCK: (explodes)

ERAGON: Not a stone, an egg!

PUPPYSAPHIRA: (is charming)

(Eragon touches the puppydragon’s head and everyone in the world wakes up. No, seriously: )

BROM: OH SHI-

GALBATORIX: OH SHI-

ARYA: Guys, really I’m the only one with a reason to be saying that.

DURZA: You got that right.

Eragon’s Crib

PUPPYSAPHIRA: (is endearing)

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE: (happens)

CUTSCENE: That time again, folks.

Galby’s Joint

GALBATORIX: I am not interested in being challenged. (eyebrowwiggle)

DURZA: There is no one left for you to fear. (smileysmile)

GALBATORIX: I can’t let the resistance have hope. (invades personal bubble)

DURZA: I will kill him before he becomes a man. You know. A man like you. (averts eyes)

CUTSCENE: HAY WAHT’S UP.

The Vegetable Garden

ERAGON: ur mom ;____; my mom ;_________________;

CUTSCENE: I left for this?

Durza’s Doomlair

DURZA: Raz’ac. Raza’c! R’AZAC!

RA’Z’AC: Dude, what?

DURZA: Kill the kid.

R’A’Z’A’C: What kid?

DURZA: (facepalm)

Carvahall, Again

SEDITIOUS MUTTERINGS: (fly)

BROM: But it wasn’t always like this . Trulyfacts. There was a time, a time forever gone, ah – I mean. Yeah, a time with dragons happening.

ERAGON: Whatnow? Dragonswhat?

BROM: ...men astride magnificent beasts...

ERAGON: That’s kinda-

BROM: THEY WERE AWESOME. And then Galbatorix lost his fashion sense –

SOLDIERS: Enough! Before you hang by a tree!

ERAGON: NOWAITLETHIMFINISH. Not that I’m, uh, interested or anything. Not at all. I mean. Yeah. You were saying?

BROM: I wasn’t.

CUTSCENE: Not that that was a plot point or anything.

Flyover Above ~~Hungary~~ Algae-asia

ERAGON: FLY, MY PRETTY! FLYYYYY!

PUPPY!SAPHIRA: (fucks off)

ERAGON: Sh-she’s gone! How could this happen to meeeeeeeeeeeeeee?

Clouds

SAPHIRA: (demonstrates the principle of thirteen-going-on-thirty in the space of fifteen seconds)

Back in Left Field

ERAGON; I’ve made my mistaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaakes
Got nowhere to HOLY MOTHER OF JESUS.

SAPHIRA: I have waited a thousand years to hear your thoughts.

ERAGON: You’re shitting me.

AUDIENCE: You’re shitting me.

CUTSCENE: The sad part is, they’re not shitting you.

Brom’s Place

ERAGON: (breaks and enters, and apparently thinks it Brilliant Genius Awesome to read a book beside a guttering candle.)

BROM: Didn’t anyone ever teach you about pain, kid?

ERAGON: Was the story you told true?

BROM: Didn’t you hear me, kid? Outa here or a leg off!

ERAGON: I want to know more! You mocked the king in front of his soldiers! Tell me about the dragons!

BROM: The door’s this way. Don’t let it hit you on the way out.

Carvahall Town Square

RAZAC’’’’’’’’: (cicada)

SLOAN: (dies)

ERAGON: (shoves off)

SAPHIRA: It’s too late! There’s nothing you can do! It’s you they want!

ERAGON: How many cliché’d phrases in a row was that?

SAPHIRA: They’ll kill you!

FLYING SCENE: (uses most of the film’s budget.)

(Eragon falls into a haystack, jumps up, and runs into a house that’s perfectly okay to find a Garrow that’s perfectly not okay.)

ERAGON: This is all your fault! I could’ve saved him!

SAPHIRA: Now it’s you with the cliché’d phrases.

ERAGON: TITS OR GTFO.

(cutscene while Saphira flies away, and then back to Eragon.)

ERAGON: The night goes ooooooooooon- OHSHIT INTRUDER. (attempts to lay the smackdown upon.)

BROM: (lays the smackdown upon.) We need to leave, kid.

ERAGON: ;___; I won’t leave until we bury him!

BROM: (burns house down.) Now can we go?

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 01:48:03 GMT

Or, "The place where I put my old userprofile stories when I think up new ones."
Disclaimer: I am not responsible for broken brains. Please to deposit them at the door, thank you.

There was a man walking in the woods.

He heard a noise behind him. Huge, heavy footsteps, and then a voice, louder than any he'd ever heard. "I am Laurentius."

Well, that got the man scared. He began to walk quicker, nearly at a trot, eyes darting everywhere.

The footsteps behind, though, kept up, and the horrible voice sounded again.

"I am Laurentius!"

The man decided this was not the time for delicacy, and ran, hightailing himself right out of there. But the voice came a third time, now close enough to reach him, and louder than before.

"I AM LAURENTIUS!"

The man didn't see where he was going, and tripped over a root, falling into a ditch. He scrambled upright, staring around and up, heart pounding, mouth dry.

The voice came again.

"Hee hee, my name isn't even Laurentius!"

There was once a person made of monsters.

They were walking along, one day, when they came upon a child. "Hello!" said the child.

"Hello," said the person.

"What is your name?" asked the child.

"I am Laurentius," said the person.

"Oh," said the child. And Laurentius ate it all up and kept walking. They came upon a second child.

"Hello!" said the second child.

"Hello," said Laurentius.

"What is your name?" asked the child.

"I am Laurentius," said Laurentius.

"Oh," said the child. And Laurentius ate this child all up as well, and kept walking. They came upon a third child.

"Hello!" said the third child.

"Hello," said Laurentius.

"What is your name?" asked the third child.

"I am Laurentius," said Laurentius.

"Sure you are," said the child. "But what's your name?"

Laurentius told her. And then Laurentius kept walking.

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 03:01:08 GMT

I like trainwrecks.

Not the real-life-and-people-die ones. But ones like Eragon the movie. Irons was about the only one acting, poor man. He did his best. And the computerized dragon had more animation than Speleers did. Carlyle was enh through up til the end, where his makeup was excellent - those superchapped lips had a Mouth-of-Sauron vibe that was hella more interesting than the ubernails and the stupid costumes. Really, the costuming department in this film hasn't been around humans much, I don't think.

Hungary was beautiful. What the fuck were those giant fucking mountains puterized in? Hungary's in the fucking Carpathians, not the fucking Rockies. Other than that, my mom's country done me proud.

There were moments that could have, in the hands of a better group and done better, would have been excellent. Brom's dying ride. Babyphira. Carlyle's Fucking Huge Giant Flying Smokestack (FHGFS). Murtagh's entrance. The brotherfight.

It was delightful fun for a trainwreck. But it left me wanting to watch LOTR, just so I can get some real fantasy.

Arya Set One

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 06:48:22 GMT

More Eragon icons! I'm going to do character-sets: this is Arya Set One. Cross-posted to antishurtugal.

Samples: ~ : ~ : ~ ~ : ~ : ~

~ : ~ : ~ ~ : ~ : ~ ~ : ~ : ~

~ : ~ : ~ ~ : ~ : ~ ~ : ~ : ~

~ : ~ : ~ ~ : ~ : ~ ~ : ~ : ~

~ Bases: ~ : ~ : ~ ~ : ~ : ~

icons!

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 02:40:36 GMT

In ~~mockery~~ honor of the Eragon film, ten icons. Cred I'd like, comments are fun.

Previews:
~ : ~ : ~

1) 2) 3)

4) 5) 6)

7) 8) 9)

10)

stepehn hunter eragon review

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 23:54:10 GMT

~:~ cross-posted from antishurtugal ~:~

For those of you who know the Washington Post, Stephen Hunter, one of the most brutally honest movie-reviewers, has been handed Eragon. He had quite the something to say about it, too.

He basically rips the thing, and those who made it, a new one, covering everything from Saphira - "a pretty good flyin' lizard ... part dog, part fish, part weasel, part dinosaur" - to Galbatrix-are-for-kids - "He seems like he's on crack or something" - to Murtagh - "far more charismatic than poor Ed, is brought in to fire off a few arrows and brood sexily in the background. Why, you sit there wondering, wasn't the movie about this kid?"

It's a delightful review. Text is under the cut, article's below if you want the post site.

Silly 'Eragon': Someone Was Dragon His Feet

By Stephen Hunter
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, December 15, 2006; Page C01

It may be worth the eight and a half bucks you have to pay the makers of "Eragon" just to hear the great English actor Jeremy Irons say the line, "Before you can cast a spell, you must learn the magic language of the elves."

And that is not the only silly line Irons, with his grave face and tragic mien, is required to utter in this silly symphony of a film. It's just the one that stuck in my mind, with the delicious upturn of "elves" at the end.

Irons, who looks as though he just cycled in nonstop on Route 66 from a roadshow company of "Hamlet" in Oklahoma City, is cast as Brom, spiritual adviser to boy dragon rider Eragon and general font of wisdom for a movie that features little beyond his own sense of craft and a pretty good flyin' lizard. Everyone else -- save one -- looks as if they were recruited at the Renaissance Fair in Anne Arundel County. The exception is the brilliant African actor Djimon Hounsou, who has never been less brilliant; he appears to be wearing Sidney Poitier's pageboy wig from 1963's "The Long Ships."

Oh, wait, the movie has made me incoherent. Another exception would be John Malkovich, also a brilliant actor at his least brilliant, hamboning it up as the bad king Galbatorix of Alagaesia. He seems like he's on crack or something.

Alas, these great actors, this great dragon, even the good-spirited Anne Arundelian Renaissance Festival staff, all revolve around a rather dim young man named Ed Speleers, who appears to be pleasant enough but who has the charisma of a smile button, as well as the complexity. Why 20th Century Fox mounted a $70 million fantasy on his frail shoulders is a question that can never be answered, although it appears that someone affiliated with the movie realized they had a problem, and late in the going, a new young hero (Garrett Hedlund), far more charismatic than poor Ed, is brought in to fire off a few arrows and brood sexily in the background. Why, you sit there wondering, wasn't the movie about this kid?

At any rate, the plot can be described as a kind of Vulcan mindmeld of classics ersatz and authentic -- that is, from "Lord of the Rings" to King Arthur. In the gorgeous Middle Earth that is Alagaesia (it's actually Hungary), the evil Galbatorix has destroyed all the dragon riders (they would be guys who ride dragons and keep the peace, I guess, though the movie's kind of hazy on details) and taken over in your usual today-Alagaesia-tomorrow-the-world fashion. Meanwhile, a young beauty played dimly by Sienna Guillory escapes from his castle with the last dragon egg, which, though she is pursued by evil shade Durza (they couldn't come up with a better name than that?), she manages to deliver to farmboy-archer Eragon, fated to be the new dragon rider. Eragon: Air Dragon, get it?

The little beast is born, a kind of blue feathered puppy that sounds just like R2-D2 and seems to arrive already housebroken. Soon enough it's as big as a locomotive and fallen hero Brom (poor Irons) shows up to teach the kid the ropes, get him out of the country to the hinterlands where the freedom-fighting Vardon live, and let him lead the revolution against Galbatorix. The king dispatches Durza -- played by the feisty Scotsman Robert Carlyle under Brenda Starr's wig, which must have been in the makeup department next to Poitier's -- to prevent all this from happening.

Well, there's a lot of running around and medieval snippery, but the upshot is a big battle under the ground, which comes to turn on a dragon-to-dragon dogfight over the trenches, just like the one between Roy Brown and Manfred von Richthofen. Or, since the great heroes Brown and Von Richthofen are sadly forgotten, maybe I should say (sigh) between Snoopy and the Red Baron. It's definitely the highlight of the movie and the one instance where director Stefen Fangmeier, an ex-special effects computer ace, can show his stuff.

After the bad acting by the slumming great actors, the next best thing in the picture is the dragon. While I don't think giving it a cuddly human personality and the vocals of Rachel Weisz helps much, the thing itself -- part dog, part fish, part weasel, part dinosaur -- is a terrific illusion and the technical team manages to really sell the idea of flight.

Too bad the acting is so lame, the story so derivative and the thing so long. The best dragon movie remains, by a long shot, 1981's "Dragonslayer."

Eragon (104 minutes, at area theaters) is rated PG-13 for ample but bloodless battle violence.

Article can be found here.

(careful, kids, it's bloody.)

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 04:53:44 GMT

Dexter.

What an excellent show.

Wed, 06 Dec 2006 19:55:03 GMT

Counter-tenors are amazing.

(The guy's also as much performer as singer. He's great.)

lalala

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 00:03:21 GMT

(hums.)

(kicks a rock.)

(will come back later on when has something productive to post.)

Wed, 06 Sep 2006 16:56:36 GMT

I wonder if I should whore this journal out to advertisements for icons.

Cause icons are hot stuff.

And I don't have any for BLAME! or any Anti-Eragon ones, or any for fandom in general.

I think I will.

Tue, 05 Sep 2006 04:49:58 GMT

Ah, I ought to post more here, oughtn't I? Not sure why, since no one reads it and the place is purely for participation in fandom-y comms.

In my fandom life, there's not too much going on, since I'm back in univ.

I need to join a BLAME! comm, but I can't find any non-russian ones out there.

On the lovely, happy hand, I'm soon to be getting highers doses of Scar & Lust through the scarlust comm. How awesome. And I think I'm going to start rereading the FMA manga - I stopped at 49, and need to pick the threads back up.

I wonder if there's any Vimes comms? To that end, though, maybe I sholdn't - I've only read the first three Night Watch, and don't want to spoiler myself.

Mon, 26 Jun 2006 19:05:00 GMT

People of the internet!

I'm off on a trip! Won't be back til August's end! Might have internet between then and now but probably won't!

Ta then.

Yeah, figure I should say something, once in a bit of a while then, huh.

Mon, 19 Jun 2006 04:43:32 GMT

Yeah. Hey all.

This' my fandom journal, separated from my writing/rl journal.

I talk about fandomstuff here.

I'm into quite a few things. Avatar: the Last Airbender's quite a treat, while Paolini's eragon tril. is enjoyable to watch, like a trainwreck is enjoyable to watch. FMA I like, but I'm not getting into the fandom for it - 1) because I'm interested most in Scar, and Lust, and that's it, and 2) because I get my daily dose of asshattery from avatar_fans. From what I know of big fandoms - well.

My other great love is BLAME!, a manga by Tsutomu Nihei - bloody, yeah, but amazingly stark and did I mention cyberpunk? Because cyberpunk is so ♥ and yeah. Sadly, all the LJcomms for it are in russian. D: the end.

Anyway. I'm not talking much here about other than fandomitarity. Perhaps occasional burbling about yeynewseries:D or so. but yeah. (waves bye.)

Sat, 08 Apr 2006 02:30:10 GMT

testing testing one two three...

You! Cake or death?